Your type might be getting in the way of compatibility

Some people have a very definite type when it comes to relationships. They may consistently be attracted to people who look a certain way, have a particular personality, work in certain professions or fit comfortably into the picture they have always had of the person they would eventually end up with. Other people don't have much of a type at all, but even then, most of us have preferences and assumptions about the sort of person we imagine being compatible with.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. Attraction matters, preferences are perfectly normal and you shouldn't have to talk yourself into wanting someone you simply don't want.

The problem comes when we assume that the qualities that make someone appealing to us are also the qualities that will make them good for us.

They aren't necessarily the same thing.

In fact, sometimes being too attached to a particular type can cause us to overlook the people with whom we might actually be most compatible.

Attraction and compatibility are answering different questions

When we first meet someone, we're working with relatively limited information. We can see what they look like, how they present themselves, whether they're funny, how confident they seem, what they do for work and whether conversation feels effortless or painfully awkward. We may also quickly discover whether there is sexual chemistry or that difficult-to-describe feeling that makes us want to see someone again.

All of that matters, but very little of it tells us what it would actually be like to share a life with that person.

Long-term compatibility becomes visible in much less glamorous circumstances. It appears in the way someone responds when they're stressed, how they communicate when they're unhappy, whether they can apologise without immediately explaining why everything was actually your fault and whether they can hear something uncomfortable without turning a disagreement into a crisis.

It also appears in ordinary practical differences. How does this person think about money? How much time do they want together and how much do they need alone? What does a satisfying sex life look like to them? How important is work? Do they want children? What does parenting look like in their imagination? How involved should extended family be? What happens when one person's career becomes particularly demanding? What happens when one person is struggling and temporarily cannot contribute as much as the other?

These aren't usually the things that create instant attraction, but they're often the things that determine whether attraction can survive real life.

Chemistry is important, but we sometimes ask it to tell us far too much

There is something wonderfully seductive about meeting someone and immediately feeling that something is happening between you. Conversation runs for hours, the sexual attraction is enormous, you think about them when they're not there and seeing their name appear on your phone produces a ridiculous amount of excitement.

That can be the beginning of a wonderful relationship. It can also be the beginning of a completely disastrous one.

Chemistry tells us that we're strongly drawn to someone. It doesn't tell us whether they can communicate, whether our values align, whether we want similar lives or whether the two of us can navigate conflict without destroying each other in the process.

You can have extraordinary sexual chemistry with someone who wants a completely different future. You can find someone fascinating while discovering that their approach to money makes you deeply uncomfortable. You can laugh constantly with someone who becomes impossible whenever they're criticised. You can love being wanted by someone while slowly realising that their need for closeness leaves you feeling suffocated.

None of that makes the original attraction fake. It simply means attraction and compatibility are measuring different things.

Sometimes what we call a type is actually a pattern

It can be useful to become curious about the characteristics we repeatedly find attractive, particularly if our relationships keep ending for remarkably similar reasons.

Someone may believe they are simply attracted to very independent people, for example, but eventually notice that they repeatedly choose partners who find emotional intimacy difficult. Someone else may love spontaneous, exciting personalities and repeatedly end up frustrated by instability and unreliability. A person who is strongly attracted to people who need looking after may eventually realise that feeling needed has become confused with feeling loved.

This doesn't mean every preference needs to be dragged through a psychological investigation. Sometimes you like something because you like it, and there doesn't need to be a childhood explanation for why you find a particular characteristic attractive.

But when different relationships repeatedly produce the same painful dynamic, it is worth becoming curious about what you're selecting for.

The face changes, the name changes and the circumstances change, yet somehow you keep ending up in the same relationship.

At that point, the more useful question may not be, Why do I keep meeting people like this? It may be, What is it about this kind of person that I keep finding attractive?

We often design the person before we design the relationship

This is where I think dating can become particularly interesting.

Some people have spent years imagining the person they will eventually meet. They may picture someone highly ambitious, extremely sociable, intellectual, athletic, creative, financially successful or from a similar cultural background. There may also be physical preferences and ideas about age, lifestyle, education or even the sort of social world that person should occupy.

What we don't always spend nearly as much time imagining is the actual relationship.

Instead of starting with the person, it may be more useful to start with the life.

Imagine an entirely ordinary Wednesday ten years from now. Both of you have had a long day. There are things to organise, something in the house has broken, somebody has forgotten to pay a bill and one of you is in a terrible mood. If you have children, one of them may be refusing to go to bed while another suddenly remembers something they need for school tomorrow. You haven't had sex recently, you're both tired and somebody's family is already asking what you're doing for Christmas.

What kind of person makes that life better?

Perhaps someone emotionally steady becomes far more important than someone enormously charismatic. Maybe you need someone who doesn't turn small problems into large ones, who can take responsibility without being asked, who can disagree without becoming cruel and who is capable of noticing when you are overloaded without requiring a detailed set of instructions about what to do next.

Perhaps you need someone playful enough to make you laugh when everything has gone wrong, independent enough to have a life of their own and emotionally available enough that independence doesn't become distance.

Once you begin designing the relationship rather than the person, your idea of compatibility can become surprisingly different.

Look underneath the characteristics on your list

One of the easiest mistakes to make is selecting for the outward characteristic when what we really care about is the quality we associate with it.

Someone might say they want a highly successful partner when what they actually value is ambition, drive and financial responsibility. Another person might want someone with an impressive education when the real attraction is intelligence and curiosity. Someone who wants a very confident partner may actually be looking for emotional security and decisiveness, while someone attracted to highly spontaneous people may really be searching for playfulness and adventure.

Those distinctions matter because the external characteristic doesn't always contain the quality we're hoping to find.

A wealthy person can be financially irresponsible. A highly educated person can be intellectually incurious. A dominant person can appear confident while being extraordinarily insecure. Someone with a prestigious career can have very little ambition beyond maintaining what they already have.

It is therefore worth occasionally taking one of your preferences and asking yourself why it matters.

If you know the underlying quality you're looking for, you can remain selective about something important while becoming much more open-minded about the form in which it arrives.

not my usual type is very different from i'm not attracted to this person

Nobody needs to force attraction in the name of being open-minded. If you don't want someone, you don't want them.

But I'm not attracted to this person and this isn't the sort of person I normally date are two very different conclusions.

The second can sometimes be worth exploring.

Attraction isn't always instantaneous. Someone can become considerably more attractive as you discover their humour, intelligence, confidence, warmth, competence or sexuality. Equally, someone who seemed breathtakingly attractive when they walked into a room can become remarkably unappealing once you've spent enough time with them.

There is no requirement to abandon physical attraction or pretend that appearance doesn't matter. The point is simply that instant recognition of your usual type isn't the only route into desire.

Sometimes the attraction that grows slowly is just as real as the attraction that arrives like a lightning bolt.

Pay attention to who you become in the relationship

One of the best ways to understand compatibility may be to stop evaluating the other person for a moment and start paying attention to yourself.

Are you generally calmer in this relationship or more anxious? Do you feel able to speak freely or do you constantly edit yourself? Can you disagree without worrying that affection will be withdrawn? Can you have your own interests, friendships and ambitions without your partner experiencing them as a threat?

Do you feel sexually wanted while still feeling free to say no? Can you ask for reassurance without being ridiculed for needing it? Can you make mistakes? Can you tell your partner they've hurt you and reasonably expect curiosity rather than retaliation?

Most importantly, do you like the version of yourself that exists in this relationship?

Some relationships expand us. We become more confident, playful, secure and willing to try things because we know there is someone beside us who genuinely wants us to flourish. Other relationships gradually make us smaller. We become more cautious, more anxious, less spontaneous and increasingly occupied with maintaining the relationship itself.

That information deserves at least as much attention as whether someone matches the picture you once had in your head.

This isn't about lowering your standards

Being more open-minded about your type does not mean becoming less discerning about your partner. If anything, it should mean becoming much more discerning about the things that actually affect the quality of your life.

You can become more flexible about someone's profession while becoming less flexible about their work ethic. You can care less about whether they have the perfect social confidence while caring enormously about whether they treat people well. You can loosen your expectations around superficial markers of success while becoming extremely interested in how they handle money, responsibility and setbacks.

You can also refuse to compromise on kindness, respect, emotional safety, sexual compatibility, shared values and the fundamental direction in which you want your life to go.

The aim isn't to lower the bar. It is to make sure the bar is measuring something useful.

Your type describes a person. Compatibility describes a life.

There is nothing wrong with having a type, and there is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying the particular characteristics that make someone attractive to you.

Just leave some room for surprise.

The person who looks perfect on paper may turn out to be extraordinarily difficult to build a life with, while someone who doesn't immediately resemble the partner you once imagined may possess qualities you didn't even realise were important until you experience what it feels like to be loved by someone who has them.

Perhaps that is the distinction worth remembering when dating. Your type tells you something about the person you're drawn towards, but compatibility tells you something much more consequential: what happens to your life when the two of you are together.

And if you're lucky enough to find attraction and compatibility in the same person, the packaging may eventually seem like the least interesting thing about them.