Free · PDF · 5 pages
The Check-In, on paper
The same twenty questions as the one on this site, printed — so you can each fill one in without watching the other answer.
Most of what goes wrong between two people goes wrong slowly. This is a way of noticing: tick what is mostly true, leave blank what is not, then use the five small scores to see where to start.
The heating has been off for weeks before anyone thinks to mention that the house is cold.
A question from each room
The PDF has four statements in each of these five sections. Here is one from each:
Heat
- When I am upset, I can pause and breathe before I respond.
Foundations
- I can spot when I am repeating an old pattern rather than responding to what is in front of me.
Doors
- I can say what I need without blaming or going on the attack.
Walls
- I can be close to someone and still know who I am on my own.
Keys
- I am in this to build something, not to avoid being on my own.
What it is like to use
Print two copies and fill them in separately. Comparing as you go tends to produce agreement rather than truth.
When you have both finished, compare the five room scores rather than treating the total as a verdict. The lowest room gives you a place to begin. The PDF ends with one thing to try together.
What happens next
Put in your address, tick the box and we will email you the printable PDF. Print two copies if you are doing it together. The tick also says yes to one short note a week, and every email has a link to stop them.